HOHOHOHOHOO! THE LEGENDARY DENNA FINALLY BACK!!!
After this empty 3 years of no posts, me, the cringey, now-college-student, finally take a courage and strength to post something here!!!!!
Before I tell you how's my College life maybe I will briefly explain the rest of my High School life I've skipped, just in case
- Graduate from my prestigious and now-beautiful-school (fucking hell it is, to reconstruct everything RIGHT AFTER i graduate.)
- Failed in entering my favorite college by invitation (when my close friends all 2 of them went there by invitation)
- but managed to enter that college by the national college exam (I spent more than 3 days crying because of that, but still glad)
The cut begins here
i hate myself here, even though things weren't really that bad
My 1st year is Common Preparatory Level, where I will prepare myself in studying my Departments inside the Facilities I'm in, and this year's grade will took main effect on which Department I will be in (tl;dr I joined my Department after my 2nd year, it's that Institute after all)
the first things that I hate about my past here is that i didn't try hard enough to get myself better grades, and I ended up having that kinda bad marks on my final semester of this year, and heavily affects my GPA (sigh)
Another one is, my best friend, 2 of them, different people different Facilites, are leaving this college, and I am really really sad that i think that my friendlist really decreased pretty much even though they are just 2 people. Words cant explain how disappointed I am. Well if I was right, it shouldn't be because of me, bc it has something to do with their self mental health (depressive things etc), but I might hate the past me for not noticing their mental health sooner.
Next one is, A failed romance. Well I don't really like talking about it but for the sake of the next story I will briefly explain it in words: I am a fucking scum, who are unable to move on but still lure his heart just to fill this empty heart due to the lack of my crush's attention. He likes me just the way I am, but I kept on seeing him as my old crush, who are now so un-contact-able, and let him fill my heart with that delusion. I ended up telling him the truth, that makes our positive relationship end real fast.
But, still, this year is my happiest year since I didn't really stressed up like the me in 2nd and 3rd year.
2nd Year
If I can go back to the past me in 2nd year of college, I will scream 'Fuck you' and slap her in front of her face.
Not gonna lie, this scumbag can't think real fast to solve her problem, right?
I can't focus and keep distracted. And I ended up being uncreative so much that it makes me stressed up real bad. The stress makes me exhausted, making me too lazy to cook or even order food, eat unhealthy foods on my college hours. Because of that on semester 4 I lack of nutrition, and stress that have been build through 1st semester hits me, and I have that kind of illness where I have to took that illness away by big operation, that took one of my organs away from my body forever.
I hate to admit but I feel so empty that I don't have enough time to worry about my illness after the operation. But I should, since this operation really affects my future. But I don't know. I only sad for like around 3 day but after that I feel empty, so empty.
But anyway, before all that happened, in 3rd semester I failed at romance again. Different person, different human. Not gonna tell the lies, that things happened all over again. Almost exactly like my first failed romance. Delusion, self-preserved hate, fake admiration, and fake love, comes out as an addition on this fake romance. Why am I foolishly tell him that I like him? And why i didn't end up telling him the truth on the end? Why can't I fucking move on anyway?
Well, it has been confirmed by himself that he has moved on from me so i'm kind of glad.
Oh anyway on my 3rd and 4th semester, I broke so many people's trust i think. I took this job as a head of some division but i ditched so many times in my tasks because i'm too distracted with my Architecture workload, stress, pressure, and my illness.
I feel bad, very very bad, that I develop some mental disorder.
3rd year (5th semester)
I already said to myself what I need to say in this year, so I don't need to italic the things that i have to do. In conclusion: Sad is the main thing i feel.
Architecture work's timeline was such a haste. And so many.... of them.
Things are bad too.
I hate that I failed getting myself in Architectural Research Members Recruitment, that allows me to go to Japan for free. Not only that, I was rejected by my lecturer for Free Building Physic Workshop that cost $50, I even rejected in a TED volunteer recruitment.
I hate it, I REALLY HATE TO THE POINT THAT I WANNA SCREAM ALL DAY THAT I HATE MYSELF FAILED ON ALL OF THEM. I am so stupid after all, so so stupid. Why the heck am I trying anyway? What does my lecturers and those people see after me after all? Why am I hoping after all? Maybe I was destined to be like this, I think. Hoping too much will only hurt me, should I stop trying?
I might be rejected by my college once, but I never thought how bad it feels to have 3 rejections in a short time.
And thus, my downhill of depression starts.
I stopped being productive on doing my works for almost 3 days. I cry, almost all the night on that weeks, I let all my negative feelings pouring down via my tears.
Developing a self hate once again....
I,
I,
....
I don't know
I don't know why am I still writing this post.
I should continue my comic....
I should continue my Architectural Design Studio's design....
Maybe, I will stop here.
Self hate only making me feels worse
Maybe, just maybe,
I got to work with people in Japan one day
I am the lecturer in a Building Physic Workshop one day
I am the head of the TED events one day
But that just maybe....
I really hope, I can do better.
Yes, of course. I can do better than this, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment