Dreams!

(From Dell)


*This is a draft from Sep 28, 2019*

-------Start of draft-------

If i could ask all of my audience a questions, i would gladly ask, who are you? what are you doing? where are you come from? what time is it in your time zone? where did you found this website? why did you remain reading even though you all know that this is a meaningless web?

But, if I only could ask my audience only one thing, I would gladly ask, for what purpose are you staying alive? Yeah, well that might be sound kinda rude, but hey, I am a man of curiosity, whats holding me for asking such meaningful question?

Lets talk about purpose. Purpose, basically is just some word that has a meaning of 'reasoning', some word that holds the means of something, a reason something created, a pricetag, or something along those lines.

Now, if we put something after the word 'purpose' , i.e. "the purpose of fruit knife", that words is basically an explanation of the reason or the use that fruit knife ever exist. Ever wonder what is the purpose of the fruit knife? well if you are still asking, go look it up on google, or you can simply ask your parents, siblings, friends, lovers, or any familiars near you. it's not really that hard, isn't it to found some one near you? Oh but if you have been alone for some time that might be out of question. hehe.

Now back to the main question, for what purpose are you staying alive?

For me, if you all wondering (except if you don't, then you don't have to read the lines beyond this, which is good so that you can close this window and keep being productive), I am staying alive to reach my dreams and keep my family being happy.

Tch, sounds like a total cliche answer isn't it? well, of course. People would have the same answer as me at least 15% of total people in this world. Lol, sounds like a small number right?

Then again, what is dreams?

Ugh, i have a bad experience in explaining what is dreams, and I am lazy at this point, so I will leave that word with what you have understood so far. Let's just skip to what is dreams basically.

My dream is that, I could contribute to this country with what I've prepared after all this time. Contributions that is so big that it can took a positive effects to most of the people in my country.

People around me after hearing this often asks, "why?" "what makes you want to contribute to this country?" "isn't your dreams sacrificial to yourself?"

Not little people would reply with this exact same answer: "this world is full of happiness, why don't you be at least reach for your own happiness without thinking and giving others?"

Well, I myself is a self egoistic, kinda narrow-minded man, I would have that kind of thinking in the past.

But then again, I met some of those moments where i feel very, very useless. Even the use of a plastic bag hold much more meaning than me, I thought on those very moments. And at that kind of point I give myself very weird idea:

"Hey, feeling useless? then contribute! to anyone even to your country!"

And my mind just goes up an boom! A total acceptance in myself. The programs in myself suddenly progressed and reset the parts of my dream mind from 'nothing' to 'useful (in a positive way) for country'

My mind keeps on pointing to that purpose, presenting on every inch of my moment to that 'final destination', connecting everything from a dot to lines forming and moving to that 'final destination' points.

But then I met the hard tasks.

With what so that I can contribute?

Politics is a big no-no for me. Every majors and studies that has a relation to politics, I already eliminated it from my choice. I never ever buy a book that holds off the main topics of modern politics, although sometimes I am interested in old, ancient politics and reads such topic in my free time. but I already decide my life to live far from politics.

Volunteer work? Nah, I am not an owner of a heart of an angel, I sometimes feel apathetic to someone in a very critical situation just because they once ignored my morning greet. And it just happen that I don't always feel empathy to someone I just met.

Choosing a major that has an engineer related is already my life choice, so I think i will go along with that, said myself. What is suitable the most with engineer and big impact to society? Hmm?

Ding! Infrastructure.

After all, I am a student that studies Architecture, Civil and Structure. Maybe, I can be someone who can make an infrastructure that can be used by so many people/

And that way, I can be useful by so many people, and for a long time.



-------End of draft-------

...

HOLY HELL.

How the fuck the 3 years ago me able to write all of that. Even when he don't even have any REAL experience in work, especially in infrastructure.

As of now, I am already a Graduate Bachelor of Architecture. And have been working for 2 years, working in Graphic Design, Architecture, and Construction (Contractor). 

Let me tell you something, my past self:

YOU WILL KEEP BEING USELESS. But this time, just a little bit of Useless.

All of your hard work, in every job you've come to applied and accepted, will be kinda useless no matter what.

Look, you have done so many things, I know that. And all the things you have write in this page, I strongly agree to it, even if it's kinda cringe when I reread it 3 years later. But, this is real world. Nothing is more valuable than something that stands higher than them.

Just like those music lyric, "what's a mob to a monarch king, what's a king to an omniscient god?"

I believed you can make a change, I truly believed you. After all, your dad is kinda famous in your company circle and in other country too even he's such a hard person to talk too. I know you can be better than that. But then, no matter how many of the correct that you pursue, all of the things will be decided by the upper up. You, just a mob to them. Well, a particular mob, to be precise. Since the job contract that you got is totally different with what are you doing in the office. 

On the bright side; now people of this company, and people outside your company, know you and your name now. At least, someone approve of your existence other than your family.

Yet still, you haven't able to pursue your dream, since your job is to sent all those easily-forgotten documents and make those meaningless letters. After all of that 4 years of hard work in prestigious university. While some of your friends already have their future being build. Some of your friends is already outside of this country, studying Masters in other people's country. Studying to be the best version of themselves. 

And guess what? Nobody will look for you again if you resign from this company, since you could easily be replaced.

Foolish little shit.

This world is too small for >7 billion people. Too many people, and yet too little that is being remembered. I know that you don't want to be forgotten and cast aside, just like NPCs. You want to be important, if possible, in a positive way.

That's why you think in a rational and possible way for that, and you finally conclude that your dream is to be useful by so many people, so that people remember you in a good way!

Now, that is your real dream, is it not? You don't really want to be useful, it's just that you want to be acknowledged. You don't want to be underestimated, belittled. 

YOU DONT WANT TO BE AN NPC.

That is your little dream.

...

Hahahhaha..

...

...

Now, work hard, shall we?

Let's pursue our 'real' dreams. To not be forgotten.

To go to other country to pursue master degree to be the best version of yourself so that you're approved to be the best person that is useful in the country.

Or, maybe you can just rest.

And just forget the fact that there is so many other people out of here.