(From Denna)
It was xxth of October. I clearly remember the time, the place, and the reason I texted him.
The stupid me still did not know the consequence of telling him everything.
The idiotic me thinking that after I texted him I could ignore everything about it, and live my own life not bothered by it at all.
The crazy me did something closer to insanity just to make myself able to relax after that.
But alas, what I expect that time has never match the reality. Really, I am such a blockhead.
A day after my mother's birthday, when I am in the middle of doing my heaps of works, some thought have crossed my mind.
Days after today he will soon be graduated from this college. What if, what if I did not text him, today, we would ended up as total strangers and I will never be able to tell him the real truth that I was hiding forever, and would regret it in my whole life later?
Without second thinking, I did. I did texted him. Frankly, I think that it would be best if I could meet him and just said it face-to-face so that I will not left any records in my doings. But then,
"Sorry, I couldn't meet you privately at this moment." He replied.
"Why?" I asked, but soon enough regretting why I asked it.
"There's someone, someone's heart that I held dearly right now. I don't want to hurt her heart and I do not want to betray her. It is best if we could meet in one of the public space we both knew."
The sky is glaring at me. It says horrible things. My heart is shaken, and not long after became grayish, just like how the sky is, before finally letting the parts of them down to the earth. But my consciousness still did not believe what he said, because once, he jokes about how he got himself a girlfriend just to see the people's reaction to it.
'he must be kidding. But lets get along with that anyway' Is another one of my dumb thinking. "Oh wow, congratulations!", I replied.
"Yes, thank you. I really really am sorry because I can't meet with you privately. Falsifying my own words. That's why I suggested the xxxxxxxx place (a public place).
本当に申し訳ない"
No. That's not how you usually reply to me.
"It's okay, I understand. I actually want to say so many things to you but it seems that it's not the time already."
Please, just say I just kidding, this one time again, please.
".... I have been planning to confess my feelings to her after my thesis. That same person who ...."
No. No. No. Please tell me that is not real. Not at all.
"You know her. You should have interacted with her about a year ago. You remember your editor?"
.........It was /that/ person? A real, in time, person?
Ouch. Suddenly, a sharp, sharp pain was attached to the insides of my heart. As if, I just had an early stage of heart attack. As if god just swing his sharp sword a little bit closer to my heart and make a small but dangerous open wounds to my heart. The blood was rushing their way to my heart and my body too fast, and I could feel some of the blood come out of my heart. It was so painful, it was suffocating, It was strange to me, too strange. I could not even let out a shocked voice, as if I has lost my own voice. Hell, what face did I even make to the laptop screen back then?
It was at that moment, I finally understood the feeling of heartbreak.
"Thank you for telling me", was the only real word I could let out.
The other words I let out after that, was full tainted with sweetened pain.
People in my life at one kind of point will left my life. The old friends who I promised to meet some other time, now I did not know their recent existence in this world. The teacher that I loved dearly, some of them left the world. My aunt, my grandfather, and other important people in my life eventually leave me one day.
But somehow, that pain is back again. The suffocating feelings, the painful chest. He might not really my 'boyfriend'. But, I have lost my shadow knight. My shadow supporting person. My artificial childhood fiance. My shadow winter.
He is somebody else's now, and could never ever be mine. Maybe I was able to take a piece of your heart back then, but it slipped away later.
Once, two years ago, Our feelings resonated pretty well. We known each other with good perceptions. We were in the same line, and on the same thought, just like a couple with twinned brain and similar interests. But, the me who were confused with the thing called "romance", called off of our relationship just because I had to look away from him for some time.
Yes, I am the one who ended everything. But still, it hurts. I thought, everything was over? Everything should be fine, our story is a pretty ancient story whose had no updates or whatsoever.
I have been patiently turned my feelings off ever since two years ago. It was turned off for some time. But then, the control break loose, and my real feelings suddenly came back to me, recently. That was insanely stupid, if I could say.
I liked him again, but this time, it's too late.
'How could something like this happens? Why should I experience this kind of thing?' If you tell me, life is not always fair, I will shove off your mouth with dirt. It's not about fairness or anything, It's about how could humans deal with something like this and still be able to live.
As we have acknowledged before, our thinking were so alike. Too much alike that to the point I must think more than twice to talk to you, my shadow winter. Perhaps, you have crossed some similar thought as I am now?
But it is impossible, isn't it! Since you already have someone in your life, you could not ever possibly be heartbroke-- Oh right. I once rejected you two years ago.
Maybe, just maybe, you also experienced the exact same feeling after that?
Everything you do, you will take the result no matter what. I hurt you, so something will gonna hurt me back. And that happens now. Funnily, the reason I hurt is also because of me. We both got hurt because of my own selfishness. I must take my own self to the hell after this, ahah.
I am the culprit of the two murder, but there is no body left, just pain. So, to repel my sin, I must ask for forgiveness, no other way.
But then, without any words from me, you said,
"I also want to apologize to you because in the past, I had to stay away from you because I have to look away from you for some time"
Ha? haha? hahhahahaha.
Our thoughts, and NOW our past actions, is exactly the same.
.
I should destroy my self next time.
.
But the conversation continues.
"Then I will ask something to you, have you found somebody new?"
No, how the hell could I?
"..No. You're the last (maybe until I graduated lol) ..." It takes me quite lots of Brave Points to be able to send those words to him.
But it was my own personal problem now. Nobody should be able to take or remove this problem away. Or maybe one day? I don't know.
I can't get over you right now. But, I really don't know about the future, can I get over you next time?
The future that lies ahead is in our hands. Our should I said, our OWN hands? Hahaha. Let these wounded heart dried out of blood first, and then I will patch it myself.
So then, I will be waiting, this time, not on the same side again.
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